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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.