Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Merry Christmas
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.