[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The biggest mystery of our time
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to