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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Yes, this is exactly right
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted