Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
When someone says you are so lazy
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!