You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
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the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?