Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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Sunday
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”