Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
You Might Also Like
don’t we all
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
i wish we could shoplift online
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?