I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
You Might Also Like
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Your secret is safeish with me
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
#CoronaOutbreak
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
your elf on the shelf was delicious