Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
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[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Fries, not lies.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.