If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I was just discussing this with my cat
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did