Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
You Might Also Like
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
U talkin 2 me?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”