The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You Might Also Like
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.