“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m confused about plants
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*