Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
That’s fair
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh