[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Warm pools make me nervous.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed