Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
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My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
boat question
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.