Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college