17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.