A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
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Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I don’t think my car can fly
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”