My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You Might Also Like
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
a badder mouse
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Battery falling down a hole
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*