About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
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The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Fight
ok like just. call me at this point
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.