Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician