Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*