What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
subtitles are so good nowadays
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?