I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Close call…
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I was up all night reading about insomnia
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
This is my favorite one of these!
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.