Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Siri: Retweet me.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.