Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Just say no
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
This fish is cracking me up
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.