“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
😆this is so true
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.