That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.