Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed