Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
felt cute might bury dad later idk
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.