The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.