Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.