Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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“That’s what” – She
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store