Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Sign at work today
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
How high do the levels go?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones