Well, shit
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue