“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Monday
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives