[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.