Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
You Might Also Like
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Everyone’s family
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
🤣🤣🤣
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika