In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I have obtained a hat
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?