Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”