Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Need WebMD
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???