Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.