“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.