“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*pronounces patio like ratio
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
just witnessed a drug deal