If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.