[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I am having an out of money experience.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.