Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Tammy is short for Tamuel