People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.